This post has been sitting in my drafts for ages. I can't even tell you how many times I've gone back and forth debating on publishing it; trying to determine a "good" time to share it. Thankfully, Danielle's journal prompts have finally given this story its due.
Looking at all of the life you've lived so far, can you pinpoint one time frame or instance that you feel truly contributed to your growth as a person? This may be a turning point, a positive or negative experience, a moment or collection of moments that stand out in your mind...something that changed you as a whole.
About 5 years ago I was in an on & off again relationship with my ex. In January of 2006 I found out I was pregnant. We were by no means, trying to have a baby. I was on birth control and looking back on it I think what happened was during a bout with the flu, I threw up my BC pills and essentially rendered them inactive while I was sick. Anyway, it was a complete and total shock and I was EXTREMELY afraid. We lived with his parents, he was struggling with drug addiction, I myself was pretty much wandering aimlessly through life with no real direction. I think ultimately thats what influenced my decision to keep the baby. I felt like I had nothing and I wanted something. Anything.
Our families were less than thrilled with the news that I was pregnant and I remember feeling like such a major disappointment when I had to tell my mom. I had failed her. I was pregnant out of wedlock at the age of 20. WTF had happened to me? Eventually everyone began getting accustomed to the idea that I had a baby on the way and I even started getting a little excited. I told close friends the news, went baby clothes shopping and for a minute I thought everything was going to be okay after all. I thought a baby was the answer to my problems and was going to magically fix my relationship and misguidedness.
About 2 months into my first trimester things started to go wrong. I distinctly remember I was out shopping with my boyfriends' mom when I started to cramp. I know that sometimes this is normal during pregnancy especially around that *time* of the month but I just had this sinking feeling that this wasn't okay. A few hours later at home I started spotting. That was when I called the advice nurse at my doctor's office and she advised I come in and get checked. My mom & boyfriend piled me into the car and by the time we pulled into the parking lot, I could barely walk. I was bleeding profusely, was in the WORST pain of my life and to this day I harbor a strong hate for Kaiser Permanente for making me wait FORTY MINUTES like this in the E.R. until I was admitted into triage.
I was wheeled into an examination room where I was hooked up to an ultrasound machine. The technician came in, squirted some cold gel on my still flat abdomen and 4 sets of eyes stared intently at the monitor. I held my breath and for a split second I thought, "Everything is going to be fine. The doctor will tell me this is normal, to go home and get some rest and things will continue as planned." Sadly, I never heard those reassuring words. Instead what I heard was, "no heartbeat" and "I'm so sorry." And then I heard an unimaginable, primal sound which turns out was me, crying out hysterically. My mom was holding on to me so tightly and I just kept asking "why? why? why?" over and over. The frozen image on the ultrasound monitor was the first and last time I'd ever see my baby.
After there were literally no more tears left in me to cry and I was calm enough for an explanation, I was told the medical term for what had happened was known as fetal demise which is more commonly known as a miscarriage. There wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it; sometimes your body just rejects foreign activity it is not used to. I was surprised at the statistic of how common miscarriages actually are--1 out of 3 first pregnancies usually end that way. It's a terrible, sad fact of life.
They sent me home to basically let the miscarriage finalize itself {horrible, horrible} & even had the audacity to ask me to bring back in whatever was expelled to run tests on. I've mentally blocked out a lot of that last stage because it was so traumatizing to me. Is that weird? I don't know if that's happened to anyone else but sometimes I literally forget this all happened to me. Like I've subconsciously built up a pain barrier. I was due in September so usually a memory is triggered around that time each year and I allow myself to be sad for a day. It is so odd to miss something you never had.
Losing the baby was easily the most painful thing I've ever gone through both physically and emotionally. It has changed me in ways I never thought I'd experience at such a tender age, but life happens and I dealt with and {still continue to} deal with it. Although I didn't think so then, I know now that it was a blessing in disguise that I didn't bring that poor thing into this world. If I had, odds are I'd be a single mom right now still misguided as ever--or worse. I know that when the time is right I will be blessed with an adorable family. Maybe this story will have a happy ending after all.
Ps; I wanted to add a little disclaimer here to make it known that this isn't an attempt at gaining sympathy, pity or any of the like. I just wanted to share my story with others & who knows, maybe there are people out there who have gone through something similar & can relate. Please keep that in mind when engaging in commentary. I am a human being with feelings just like you.
By Caitlin September 29, 2011
I had almost an identical thing happen to me only I was in an awful marriage at age 20. Miscarriages in any circumstance I think are so traumatic. I feel like women don’t talk about them enough because they are supposed to be these random things that should never happen. When I had mine I did a ton a research too (I’m the type that has to have an answer to everything). isn’t it crazy how common miscarriages are?! And the more I was open about it the more women I realized had similar experiences around me. I felt kindred with them which got me through. I saved my amniotic sac just in case in the fridge (you are so not weird!) I thought the docs could check it out and tell me why this happened. I was also due in september. I feel like there was a happy ending. I learned so much about myself and other women through my miscarriage. Us chicks can get through some shit! Thanks for sharing.
By naomi September 29, 2011
love you.
By Ami September 29, 2011
Thank you for sharing this.
By Macarena September 29, 2011
I kinda have the same story, only it happened when I was 15 and I didn’t even know I was pregnant. But by all means after I took a test I would of kept my child no matter what. But a few weeks later I had a miscarriage. It’s hard to go through that at a young age I feel like I had to grow up to fast after that.I would have had my child June of my sophomore year in high school. I now look forward to my future. Thank you for sharing this.
By erin September 29, 2011
i was 21 and had been in an unhealthy relationship since high school. i will never forget when the doctor sat me down in his office to explain that because “the pregnancy” was growing inside my tube, it would need to be removed immediately along with the tube. because of our on again off again relationship, i hadn’t even broken the news to my parents and because the boy was living out of state, i literally had no one to turn to. i broke the news to my parents and did made a futile attempt to prepare my mind and body for the events that would soon take place. the surgery went fine, but i did have to restrain myself from punching the doctor in the nuts when he came into check on me and asked if i would like to see a picture of “the pregnancy” and my tube. honestly, i think that’s what makes miscarrying so incredibly painful and lonesome – nobody truly understands unless they’ve been there. but i understand. and i feel your pain. i will never forget the day i lost her, but you know what? 3 years later on the exact same day, by no coincidence whatsoever, i found the love of my life, current husband and father of my child! i eventually got my happy ending and i know you will too. thank you so much for sharing.
By Emma September 29, 2011
I don’t normally respond, i’m a fairly new reader but felt like I had to comment on this one. This post made me cry, it must have been really hard for you to publish this, because it’s so raw and real.
My turning point was 2,5 months ago, my boyfriend dumped me, I had no future plans because I’m unable to work due to medical reasons and was left alone while I struggle to take care of myself (same medical reasons). Instead of dwelling on the past I decided that it was the beginning of a new life. I moved to a different city, signed up for a new type of therapy, and started a positive lifestyle. Sure, i still have bad days but I’m grateful for my new beginning.
By Jayda September 29, 2011
Thank you for sharing that, it must have been hard.
By Windsor Grace September 29, 2011
You’re so brave to share that! I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but good for you to come out a stronger person!
By Melinda September 29, 2011
Sending you a big hug.
By Sierra September 29, 2011
Thanks for sharing….it couldn’t have been easy for you to do so, but by sharing your story, you probably helped others who went through the same experience more than you’ll ever know. :)
By Rach September 29, 2011
Wow..what a chilling story. How very sad that you had to go through that – especially so young. :( It’s weird, when you read blogs you just kind of “see” the blogger by the information they provide to you. But it’s posts like these that bring you back to reality and remember that we are all human and everyone has their own tragedies, stories, etc. Thank you for sharing Liz, I can imagine that wasn’t easy! <3
By elizabeth September 29, 2011
Thank you for writing this. Sending some love in your direction today.
By Krysten September 29, 2011
Although this wasn’t an attempt to gain sympathy, I’m definitely shedding some tears for you. I can’t even imagine having to go through that Liz, especially at such a young age. Wow.
By Elizabeth September 29, 2011
It takes a lot of courage to share this type of situation with someone…anyone for that matter. I really respect your courage. I had a miscarriage last month, and although my situation with my boyfriend is different, the pain is still the same…and very fresh. I was 6 weeks, and no one seems to understand that the experience of this changes you SO much, no matter how early on it was. I wept like I have never wept in my entire life. I never wanted kids, but going through this made me realize that I was meant to be a mother one day. It’s strange how very good things can come out of such a horrible experience. The only thing that is keeping me going everyday, is realizing that everything happens for a reason..and this was meant to be. Thank you for putting yourself out there, it helped me in a way you will never know to hear this story.
By Melisande September 29, 2011
thank you for sharing your story with us; it’s extremely brave of you. i can’t even imagine how losing a baby would feel, and i hope that one day you do get your happy ending. thinking of you today and sending love your way!
By Melisande September 29, 2011
thank you for sharing your story with us; it’s extremely brave of you. i can’t even imagine how losing a baby would feel, and i hope that one day you do get your happy ending. thinking of you today.
By Tamara Janzen September 29, 2011
You are very brave for sharing such a painful time with us all. Sometimes its theraputic to talk it out.
Big Hugs:)
By Daniela September 29, 2011
Liz, it’s unbelievably brave of you to share this story with everyone. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like for you and I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
A couple of years ago, when I was living in Austin, my mom found out she was pregnant (it’s just me and my teenage sister thus far for her) and she was so excited. She firmly believed the baby would have been a boy. But she also had a miscarriage and was so upset when it happened. It can’t be easy at any age, I’m sure of it. But someday, you will be blessed with an amazing little family and my mom tells me everyday how grateful she is for me and my little sis. <3
By Caitlin September 29, 2011
Wow, Liz, I think it’s amazing that you shared this story so openly and honestly. You wrote this so poignantly and so candidly, and I thank you for sharing such a difficult experience. I can’t imagine the pain you felt. No one should ever have to go through a miscarriage, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
I wish you all the best and once again, thanks for being so willing to share this.
By Indie Thrifter September 29, 2011
I worry sometimes that as a lifestyle blogger my content comes off as a little detached and frivolous. I think that it’s really important, on the odd occasion, to share a bit of ourselves to remind our readers that we are real people whom they can relate to on a more personal level. You are incredibly brave for sharing this very important post, I feel very inspired.
By Tatiana September 29, 2011
It was really brave of you to share this with your readers. A friend of mine went through a similar experience. You are a lovely, strong lady (even though we’ve never met), and I wish you only the best in the future. Thanks again for sharing your story. <3
By San September 29, 2011
Thank you for sharing this very sad, personal story, Liz. Sadly, I know many young women by now how had to go through a miscarriage. It really is more common than one thinks. It’s heart-breaking, yes, but it is truly a blessing in disguise many times as well!
By ashleyTIA September 29, 2011
Oh, Liz. I don’t have words – I hate that you had to go through this. Lots of love to you & thank you for sharing your story. <3
By Barb September 29, 2011
wow, Liz, I cannot even imagine what it took for you to share something so personal and so heartbreaking. I have always respected you and enjoyed reading your blog, but this post really affected me. thank you for sharing this bit of yourself, may your future be full of happiness and love.
By LfT September 29, 2011
Liz, I’m so glad you finally shared this. I remember the first time I read it and feeling so incredibly sad for you, but having peace knowing that one day, you and Glenn will have a beautiful family. Love you, friend.
By Marisa September 29, 2011
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been through a really hard time for me as well and sometimes I have to remind myself that I went through it because I have tried so hard to forget it. Even though you went through that horrible experience, you wouldn’t be the great woman you are today without it. We have to remind ourselves of that.
By Zoe September 29, 2011
Oh, brave kitten. Love & hugs always xo
By Jenn September 29, 2011
I cried reading this…. This probably wasn’t the easiest thing to share, so thank you. xo
By carly September 29, 2011
wow. i’m not sure what to say here but i want you to know how brave it was of you to share this with…well, the entire internet. you’re a strong woman miss.
By nikki September 29, 2011
Wasn’t expecting to cry at work! I never knew this about your life Liz, I’m sorry you had to go through that. Knowing you as a woman after the fact, I’m sure it is one of the things that makes you so strong and courageous!
By Kaitlyn September 29, 2011
<3 hard thing to share for sure. This is my absolute worst fear because I want a child so badly, so I find myself really touched. You're in such a better place now and I know you'll have a wonderful family when the time is right!
By Weronika September 29, 2011
I don’t even know what to say, good for you for sharing. Very brave! Reading the statistics makes sense, my mom’s first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I think about that from time to time, wondering how it would be to have another sibling, or if I would even be here if she did end up having that baby.
Stay strong ;)
By Heather Marie September 29, 2011
This is an incredibly sad story. I think it was really brave of you to share it. I don’t believe that stories like this are told for sympathy. One way or another, people need to talk about traumatic things like this. It doesn’t matter if it happened ten years ago or yesterday. It stays with you and it’s always important to release your feelings and get it out. It helps you come to terms and “let go”, in a sense.
Lots of hugs! <3
By Sarah September 29, 2011
Wow Liz, that was incredibly brave of you to post that. Beautifully written too. I can’t imagine what that was like, but I know you and Glenn will have some damn cute kids one day <3
By Brooke White September 29, 2011
amazing post Liz. Life is hard, thanks for sharing something so honest and tough. Glad to have met ya, you are a lovely gal!
By Katie September 29, 2011
This is so sad. Thanks for sharing. I know it couldn’t have been easy. Sending lots of love and hugs your way today.
By yelizabeta September 29, 2011
thanks liz for sharing. what a powerful story.
By alycia September 29, 2011
you are a brave lady for sharing your story with us <3
By Adeline September 29, 2011
Love you.
By Julia September 29, 2011
I’d say this story has the happiest ending of all! You’re doing well, you’ve got an incredible love in your life and you didn’t bring a child into a unstable, unprepared situation. I’d say it’s a win for everyone involved.
It shaped you, it moved you and I bet you’re a hell of a lot better for it happening. You dodged a bullet, girl. Some tears and pain are a good tradeoff for eventual happiness and a new understanding of the world.
By Lindsay September 29, 2011
I’m teary reading your story. Thank you for sharing this painful experience with all of us. it shows how truly strong and courageous you are <3
By Suburban Sweetheart September 29, 2011
Thanks for sharing this, Liz. What a brave, brave post. I have to admit. though this story is devastating to read, I’m so happy to see something personal from you – these more personal posts are my favorite from bloggers, where I feel like I can really learn about them & what has shaped this. This definitely shaped you, in some way, & you’re so courageous for telling us about it.
<3
By Iris Ashley September 29, 2011
I love you dearly for posting this. I only knew a little bit when you had briefly touched on it that one night, but I never knew the full scope of it. This will have a happy ending because when you do start a family it will be with the person you love at the right time.
(and Walter will be so happy to be getting a little brother or sister!)
By aline September 29, 2011
<3
By Vivianna September 29, 2011
I love you!
By bre September 29, 2011
Thanks so much for sharing. I love you dear!
Although I can’t relate, I sure do know what a pain barrier is like, blocking out something huge like that. What a learning experience. And you’re right, your little future family will be perfect. :)
By Molly - Vivi Dot September 29, 2011
I’ve always thought you were an especially strong woman and now I know one portion of the reason why. Love you! xoxo Mollly
By val September 29, 2011
Bia I’m so glad you finally posted this. Your experience can help others know that they aren’t alone. And I do think your happy ending is being created in this new lease on life you were given. Everything happens for a reason and this is just one of the things that has made you the beautiful strong lisy we see here today. Big hug. <3
By Ashley September 29, 2011
Liz you are a warrior.
By Missa Lee September 29, 2011
As many others here, I have a similar story; hats off to you for having the guts to share, I don’t know if I could do the same. It’s a powerful thing to release a story like this from heart and mind, and it definitely helps heal.
I love this journal prompt, and it got me to start thinking on what my moment is. Great post.