This post has been sitting in my drafts for ages. I can't even tell you how many times I've gone back and forth debating on publishing it; trying to determine a "good" time to share it. Thankfully, Danielle's journal prompts have finally given this story its due.
Looking at all of the life you've lived so far, can you pinpoint one time frame or instance that you feel truly contributed to your growth as a person? This may be a turning point, a positive or negative experience, a moment or collection of moments that stand out in your mind...something that changed you as a whole.
About 5 years ago I was in an on & off again relationship with my ex. In January of 2006 I found out I was pregnant. We were by no means, trying to have a baby. I was on birth control and looking back on it I think what happened was during a bout with the flu, I threw up my BC pills and essentially rendered them inactive while I was sick. Anyway, it was a complete and total shock and I was EXTREMELY afraid. We lived with his parents, he was struggling with drug addiction, I myself was pretty much wandering aimlessly through life with no real direction. I think ultimately thats what influenced my decision to keep the baby. I felt like I had nothing and I wanted something. Anything.
Our families were less than thrilled with the news that I was pregnant and I remember feeling like such a major disappointment when I had to tell my mom. I had failed her. I was pregnant out of wedlock at the age of 20. WTF had happened to me? Eventually everyone began getting accustomed to the idea that I had a baby on the way and I even started getting a little excited. I told close friends the news, went baby clothes shopping and for a minute I thought everything was going to be okay after all. I thought a baby was the answer to my problems and was going to magically fix my relationship and misguidedness.
About 2 months into my first trimester things started to go wrong. I distinctly remember I was out shopping with my boyfriends' mom when I started to cramp. I know that sometimes this is normal during pregnancy especially around that *time* of the month but I just had this sinking feeling that this wasn't okay. A few hours later at home I started spotting. That was when I called the advice nurse at my doctor's office and she advised I come in and get checked. My mom & boyfriend piled me into the car and by the time we pulled into the parking lot, I could barely walk. I was bleeding profusely, was in the WORST pain of my life and to this day I harbor a strong hate for Kaiser Permanente for making me wait FORTY MINUTES like this in the E.R. until I was admitted into triage.
I was wheeled into an examination room where I was hooked up to an ultrasound machine. The technician came in, squirted some cold gel on my still flat abdomen and 4 sets of eyes stared intently at the monitor. I held my breath and for a split second I thought, "Everything is going to be fine. The doctor will tell me this is normal, to go home and get some rest and things will continue as planned." Sadly, I never heard those reassuring words. Instead what I heard was, "no heartbeat" and "I'm so sorry." And then I heard an unimaginable, primal sound which turns out was me, crying out hysterically. My mom was holding on to me so tightly and I just kept asking "why? why? why?" over and over. The frozen image on the ultrasound monitor was the first and last time I'd ever see my baby.
After there were literally no more tears left in me to cry and I was calm enough for an explanation, I was told the medical term for what had happened was known as fetal demise which is more commonly known as a miscarriage. There wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it; sometimes your body just rejects foreign activity it is not used to. I was surprised at the statistic of how common miscarriages actually are--1 out of 3 first pregnancies usually end that way. It's a terrible, sad fact of life.
They sent me home to basically let the miscarriage finalize itself {horrible, horrible} & even had the audacity to ask me to bring back in whatever was expelled to run tests on. I've mentally blocked out a lot of that last stage because it was so traumatizing to me. Is that weird? I don't know if that's happened to anyone else but sometimes I literally forget this all happened to me. Like I've subconsciously built up a pain barrier. I was due in September so usually a memory is triggered around that time each year and I allow myself to be sad for a day. It is so odd to miss something you never had.
Losing the baby was easily the most painful thing I've ever gone through both physically and emotionally. It has changed me in ways I never thought I'd experience at such a tender age, but life happens and I dealt with and {still continue to} deal with it. Although I didn't think so then, I know now that it was a blessing in disguise that I didn't bring that poor thing into this world. If I had, odds are I'd be a single mom right now still misguided as ever--or worse. I know that when the time is right I will be blessed with an adorable family. Maybe this story will have a happy ending after all.
Ps; I wanted to add a little disclaimer here to make it known that this isn't an attempt at gaining sympathy, pity or any of the like. I just wanted to share my story with others & who knows, maybe there are people out there who have gone through something similar & can relate. Please keep that in mind when engaging in commentary. I am a human being with feelings just like you.
By Haley September 29, 2011
It takes guts to show the real, raw human behind the blog. You are an inspiration, and a really wonderful woman.
Sending lots of love to you today, and every day after that. You have such a future ahead of you.
xo Haley
By suzy September 29, 2011
this post made me cry. i hadn’t known either how common miscarriages were until this year–but no one really ever talks about them so everyone seems to feel very alone in the whole thing.
By Larissa September 29, 2011
it’s so amazing to read everyone’s stories and see real humans behind these blogs. sending sweet thoughts your way, as you let this out for everyone to see. <3 thank you so much for sharing.
By Kourtney September 29, 2011
I remember you telling me this story the first time I met you at the jaguars show and saying it was a blessing in disguise. I’m so glad I met you that day I knew you were/still are a beautiful strong amazing woman!
By Steph September 29, 2011
Some of my most painful experiences have been blessings in disguise as well. Thanks for sharing this very personal experience so openly- it’s incredibly brave of you. You definitely deserve a happy ending. :)
By diana September 29, 2011
Only heartbreak can give you a perspective like this. You’re one of the toughest ladies I know. Also, miscarriages are really common. Down and Out Chic just recently wrote a personal blog posts about this, too. Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable topic. Love you.
By Nicole September 29, 2011
So many of the bloggers I follow seem so… perfect. Your lives all seem so pretty and put together. You’re living out your dreams and looking stylish while you do it. I never thought something so horrible, yet so common would have happened to a blogger I admire.
Thank you so much for this post. I guess all I can say is that I identify. And thank you, again.
By Danielle Hampton September 29, 2011
Liz, I am SO glad you decided to share this. It’s such a sad thing to write about (and read) but it’s so important for you to be able to share and talk about it. I’m so proud of you, girl. Sending so much love your way.
xoxoxo
Dani.
By happyowlerin September 29, 2011
The Lord will bless you with a beautiful baby from the man of your dreams. I am so proud of you. xxoo
By kelly ann September 29, 2011
I’m sitting here in tears. I just want to reach through my computer screen and hug you tightly. I am so glad you shared, that took courage… and I admire you, more than ever, for your strength. You inspire me so much, Liz, and I love you dearly. <3
By Emily September 30, 2011
All I can say is thank you, thank you for being brave.
By Kathleen September 30, 2011
As someone who has experienced miscarriage, I relate completely to both the physical and emotional pain. I now have a healthy baby, but sometimes it makes me even more sad about the one I lost because now I know what I’m missing.
By Sarabell September 30, 2011
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I’m glad you came out stronger because of it.
Sometimes we tend to see other bloggers in such a positive light that we forget about the hardships we’ve all had to struggle through.
By Gigi Fontenot September 30, 2011
This is the first time I have read your blog and it has touched me in many ways. First off… I am dealing with loosing my best friend of 11 years and live in boyfriend of 6 years to drug addiction. He is now in jail for a very long time! As I would cry myself to sleep I would wonder if maybe we had had a baby, maybe he would have stopped using! You remind me of what a silly thing that is to think! I am so sorry you lost your baby… I can’t even begin to imagine how painful that had/has to be! Life can be so hard sometimes it is hard to get out of bed and go on but your story gives me strength! Thank you for sharing!
By Clare - Never Niche September 30, 2011
Beautiful and gut wrenching. I applaud you for sharing. <3
By Suzanne September 30, 2011
I have tears in my eyes after reading this. All I can say is, I’ve been there. Almost down to every detail. I’m so glad things are better for you now, and you’re right, sometimes these awful things are just blessings in disguise. Thanks for sharing, you have no idea how much it helps seeing that others have gone through this, too.
By Moorea Seal September 30, 2011
<3 I love you. My momma had 3 miscarriages and it was hard for the whole family.
xo Moorea
By Ashlee September 30, 2011
Love you friend <3. Proud of you for always being so brave.
By Erin B. Inspired September 30, 2011
I know we don’t know each other well, but I wanted to share this. I got such a strong outpouring of love when I posted this and I’m sure you will as well. xo.
http://www.erinbinspired.com/2011/06/true-story.html
By pip jolley September 30, 2011
i have always admired your blog and the sense of character that you portray through writing it. after reading this i realise how much of a strong and inspiring woman you are. sending you love from london xx
By Down and Out Chic September 30, 2011
thanks for sharing the link to your post with me liz. most importantly, thank you for sharing your story and being able to push back the fear that keeps so many people silent about this type of loss. a big hug to you.
By rooth September 30, 2011
Liz, thanks for the honest tale. Sometimes stories don’t have happy endings and it’s okay to have sad and painful ones.
PS – I really enjoy reading your blog
By kara September 30, 2011
So glad you wrote this. I can tell it was therapeutic for you and it looks like it’s been very therapeutic for many of your readers, too. You’ve a brave lady, Liz. I’ve always thought you were pretty great, and this post only affirms it :)
By Kyla Roma October 1, 2011
Oh Liz- thank you so much for sharing this. You told this beautifully and I can’t imagine going through something so hard at any age, never mind when you were so young. Big hugs <3
By Ashley October 1, 2011
I just wanted to say that sharing this experience was incredibly brave of you. My heart broke for you and your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain that comes with a miscarriage. You told your story beautifully and someday you will have a happy ending! Without the bad, the good wouldn’t be quite so sweet.
By Erin October 3, 2011
I am so proud of you for sharing that, Liz. Losing a baby is so so hard, no matter what stage in pregnancy you are. You are so strong and I admire your courage. I love you and cannot wait to see the beautiful family you have and the wonderful mama you become one day. :)
By Tiera October 14, 2011
My heart broke for you, Liz. I can’t imagine having to experience everything you did, and at such a young age. And while I didn’t go through what you did, I can absolutely relate to blocking out memories of painful times. Sometimes I completely regret some of the horrible things that happened in my last relationship. Defense mechanism, I guess. Hopefully not thinking about it constantly is a sign of moving on <3
By Cynthia December 27, 2011
I’m sorry for your loss. I admire your strength in telling your story and hope it has helped heal you a bit more.
I have heard that miscarriage is quite common before this. It doesn’t make it any easier though.
I’m also sorry that you felt you had to put a disclaimer on the end of your entry. Shame on people that need that disclaimer.
Hugs